Category: Self Worth

  • Sometimes I share details of personal struggles with strangers because I need the release, and other times I do so because I hope that they may avoid the pitfalls that I experienced. Nonetheless, the shedding of my veil of privacy is always sincere. More often than not I restrain myself because even I find it hard to swallow the volume of colourful experiences that I’ve had to endure. And when I place myself in the position of the recipient, I can only imagine how quickly they reach a point when they question the voracity of what I’m saying.

    I guess I have yet to figure out the human psyche, especially within the context of interpersonal relationships. I can sense the anguish or regret, hope or passion and even optimism in the words of strangers, but I can never foresee being discarded. That always takes me by surprise. Every single time. Perhaps it’s representative of an over-inflated ego or sense of self. That would be a contradiction of note, given my grave insecurities about my ability to contribute positively in a manner that may be well-received. 

    Hasn’t happened yet. Perhaps I’m plagued by both ingratitude and delusion. A fatal combination for one who desires to connect with others on a human level. I guess my latest experiences just reaffirms my hesitance to want to reduce the story of my life to a book. 

  • Do you ever look at yourself?

    cynicallyjade:

    Do you ever look at yourself endearingly? At least long enough until you realise that you need to dismiss your thoughts because it sets fire to a desire to want to be consumed, physically and emotionally…but more physically? Ever look at yourself endearingly and wish that someone would see you through your own eyes, instead of theirs? Do you ever wish that someone would want you to give them what you so much yearn to give of yourself? Do you sometimes block out the noise, let go of the inhibitions, close your eyes and see yourself as beautiful? 

    Or is narcissism a prerequisite for such acceptance of self? I sometimes focus so much on trying to understand or appreciate how others see me, that I fail to notice myself. I look at myself so often through the eyes of others that I eventually find myself looking at myself through the same jaundiced view that is tainted with their broken dreams. I make myself the victim of their disappointments simply because I allow myself to be viewed with the defensive cynicism that life has taught them. 

    This is how I lost myself to the world, and now I wait to be found because my insecurity won’t allow me to believe in me unless another tainted soul believes in me first. 

    So relevant right now.

  • Question: Depression

    cynicallyjade:

    thefemaleedward:

    People who think depression is a choice, take a second to think. How would it feel to wake up and not having the emotional strength to face people? To think that time is just passing by with no real reason? To feel so alone even when you are sitting…

    Unfortunately you’ve missed the entire point of my post. Having been ‘diagnosed’ with depression before, I’m hardly what you could label as someone that is insensitive to people that are depressed. If I said that depression is all in your mind and that you’re simply missing the point of life, then by all means accuse me of insensitivity. But if you read carefully, you’ll note that I challenge the common perspective on what depression is rather than dismissing the fact that it exists. So to reiterate my point, depression is a symptom and not an illness. The root cause of depression lies in our choices based on our expectations of others and life in general. Change your choices and your expectations and the symptom of depression will dissipate without any direct effort required. Trying to deal with depression is like asking an exhausted person not to feel tired. That’s simply ridiculous. Instead, you would ask them to exercise more, eat healthier and most obviously get more rest. Exhaustion would therefore be the symptoms of poor lifestyle choices, wouldn’t it?

    White teethed teens: cynicallyjade: thefemaleedward: People who think depression is a…

  • Standing still is your enemy

    The table cloth descending on Table Mountain in Cape Town, South Africa, with a stranded ship in the foreground. I photographed this ship shortly after it ran aground in a storm close to the shore, and went back there on my recent trip to see how it had fared in the stormy seas of the Cape. 

    It didn’t fare too well at all. It is a stark reminder of people that think that by standing still, nothing will change and they’ll be unaffected by life. No matter how firmly rooted we are in what we believe or how we see life, no matter how much we resist change, we will change. But in resisting it, that change will always be for the worst. 

    A principled approach to being adaptable is what saves our sanity in the face of life’s storms. 

  • Bad Investment

    Investing in people when they’re down and out is one of the most painful things I do in my life, because when they’re over their trough of depression, they rarely want to know me. I think my presence in their lives beyond that point reminds them of their weakened state, and so to spare their ego, they’d rather block out the unpleasant phase and focus on being their new idea of awesome. 

    In the meantime, I recede and watch from afar how they blossom now that they’re emerging from their darkness into a state of self-enlightenment, with a million questions forming in my mind about their present state, sometimes venturing as far as asking them a few, but receding again when my approach is ignored. And so the circle of life continues. For some, we’re here only to nourish them when all else fails, and for others, we’re only here to be nourished by them when all else fails. 

    We can’t afford to be weak for a single moment longer than the time it takes to feel overwhelmed. The vulnerability is too scary, that’s why we have to detach ourselves from those that know of our weakness the moment we regain our strength, because we’re afraid that the reminder will hold us back, when in fact it only grounds us, and keeps us humble. But humility is not in vogue. 

  • We’re Strange

    There are no guarantees in death, except the end of life. So don’t plan on achieving peace, comfort, closure or anything else, because none of it is a given. However, life holds certainty, even though we don’t always interpret its certainty correctly. But the natural order that is established, and the laws of cause and effect that apply, will always apply, every single time. And the only thing we can control in all of this is how we respond to what we encounter along the way. 

    We can’t cause anyone else to act a certain way or feel a certain feeling any more than we are able to influence them. And we can’t influence them unless they deem us significant in the context of their lives. But just like how we apportion such significance to those that we choose or want to be significant in our lives, the same applies in reverse, but yet we fail to realise this simple truth, which is why we constantly strive to acquire the heart of some that may only have a fleeting affection for us, but in fact holds us as insignificant in the bigger scheme of their lives. 

    We erroneously believe that we get what we deserve. We don’t. We never will. This world is created for respite, not justice. It is created as an opportunity for us to perfect our own humanity, not to impose our sense of humanity onto others. We may polarise towards like-minded beings and in that be further deluded into believing that what we’re surrounded with is in fact a reflection of the world that is beyond our reach. It’s not. Our world is what we make of it. Our perceptions and expectations are products of our fears and aspirations, rarely with a healthy dose of reality. 

    We’re too afraid to be alone, that’s why we recoil at the thought of being different. Even in our differences we seek affirmation. Even when we don’t expect acceptance or adoption, we need to be acknowledged to be of some value in our being different. But when that is withheld, we assume that we’re defective and therefore inconsequential and insignificant, when in fact we quite possibly may have achieved what we’ve been striving for and dreaming about all our lives. We’re unique. But we only want to be unique if we’re unique like everyone else. 

    And then we die, hardly having lived at all, but affirmed in our mediocrity, and celebrated in our conformance, but rarely appreciated for our individuality. But we lack an appreciation of our self, and are still surprised at not being appreciated by others. We’re a strange bunch, aren’t we?

  • Suicide of a Romantic

    What is it that stops us from affirming others while they’re alive, as opposed to waiting for their demise before singing their praises? Perhaps we’re afraid of being held accountable for our kind thoughts which denies us that ever convenient exit of ‘I knew it’ or ‘I told you so’ or ‘I should’ve known better’? Or maybe we lack the belief in our own virtues and would rather not have people peering so closely that they may see in us what we despise about ourselves?

    Maybe it’s just that we’re so afraid of being hurt, that we’ll do anything to prevent others from getting too close, so that we don’t ever give them a view of how much they mean to us? That would give them far too much power to hurt or manipulate us. So instead, we create our defenses and do it so well that we end up believing that how we present ourselves to others is all we have to offer.

    Heaven forbid we should live a romantic life. It is possible you know. To live a romantic life and still remain functional and practical about all life’s challenges. But it’s easier to fit in with the jaded crowds than to be true to ourselves, because the risk of failure is too great a source for potential embarrassment. POTENTIAL embarrassment. But the reality of the joy that we’ll experience if we lived romantically now will forever escape us because of our fear of embracing what we desire, lest it be stripped away from us in an untimely fashion.

    So we set ourselves up for heartache and failure, all the while pretending to be comforted by our superficial success in worldly endeavours, ensuring that not another living soul will ever see the romantic fool in us for fear of being mocked or ridiculed for that which is closest to our hearts. So fear drives us to suppress the romance, and embellish the facade so that it becomes the reality of our existence, when in fact it’s the reality of our deception. Sad, isn’t it?

  • Life Lessons from Forest Gump

    I just watched Forest Gump…again. And again, I loved its simplicity. I realised exactly how emotionally far gone I am these days when I found myself choking up on the scene where Jenny shouts out his name and then wades through the water in front of the Washington Memorial, he discards decorum, as he always does, and runs out to meet her. That wasn’t the only scene that choked me up, but anyway, I digress.

    I realised I was even worse off when I suddenly noticed that my thoughts are running through my head in Forest’s thick Alabama accent! But there’s a sincerity in his character that few can relate to, or hope to achieve in real life simply because he was never swayed by public opinion, or negative sentiment. But this was largely because he was never accepted by them either.  

    What I’ve learnt is this. The more we fit in, the less likely we are to be individuals. We’re unique, just like everyone else. We’re all struggling to present our own ‘unique’ interpretation of how life should be lived but always within the bounds and expectations of society, because we need to fit in. Isolation is too painful. So we must conform. Even our creativity is expressed within the parameters of what is acceptable by the same groups that we aspire to belong to. 

    Forest was a born reject, and had no choice in not fitting in. But it seems being mentally challenged, stigmatised or an outcast is a prerequisite to living an amazing life. Otherwise, chances are that we’ll only end up being mediocre. Even if we excel, it will be the upper percentile of mediocrity that we achieve, which will seem amazing to those in the average bands of mediocrity, but nonetheless it will still fall short of amazing. 

    Nothing amazing was ever achieved through conformance, and non-conformance is by its very nature a painful experience. Human nature, through its inherent survival instinct will avoid pain if left to follow its instinct. But we’re a step above animals, because we have superior intellect, reason and choice. If we cower, we reduce ourselves to animals. But if we persevere, we’ll become masters of our state, rather than victims. When we’re in this state of mastery-consciousness, we’re automatically administering the cure for so many spiritual illnesses that plague our society independent of race, religion, culture, social standing or material worth.