Being hurt, being wrong, being too afraid to love again…I tried to break the cycle and then recoiled when I got close to the point of breaking it because of the comfort in knowing my misery, versus the potential pain that may result from another hopeful episode in my search for happiness or fulfilment in my life. My state was nothing but an exaggerated defence mechanism to protect myself from getting hurt again. That’s why it’s easier to sulk than to trust, because in being happy, we’re forced to assume good about others and their intentions, and we’re forced to believe that we’re significant in their lives. Quite simply if we don’t believe this, happiness will continue to be elusive because by our very nature as social beings, we need to be significant. We need to matter.
So after having been discarded by someone that I trusted and believed in, I realised that the negative outcome was not about them, but more about how I was so wrong in what I saw in them. So I found it impossible to trust myself, and I really needed to. In the absence of that trust, I’d rather believe that I was the flawed human and that because of my flawed state, I didn’t deserve the beauty that I am capable of seeing in others. And that’s the cycle that I refused to let go of for a long time because letting go heralds such horrible realities of happiness that carry with it far too much risk of being hurt again.
But I soon realised one more important fact in all that self-hate…I realised that my ability to see good in others where they didn’t believe in it themselves was a result of my naivety to believe in the good that exists in all of us, despite most of us denying it. The very same insecurity that I nurtured is nurtured by others which drives them to dismiss the very same good that I wish to offer, but also need from them, which incidentally is the same good that I was dismissing whilst in my cycle of self-pity.
And so that cycle continues until we find someone that we’re willing to allow to reciprocate the trust that we invest in them…but of course, they must also come in the right packaging because we are visually stimulated before we’re even remotely mentally intrigued. And that’s where it all falls apart again and we end up maintaining a platonic relationship with one that actually accepts us the way we always yearned to be!