I once held this naive notion that underneath everything and anything, there was a discernible purity that nothing could displace. I thought that if you could only peel back our layers, no matter how thick and crude they may be, we were all just luminous and waxy, glowing under moonlight. I believed that we were all multi-faceted crystals that caught spectrums of light behind our teeth and in the reflection of our slippery limbs.
Was I wild to think that we were all just bewildered angels? Was I mad to think that we had only misplaced our wings? I believed that if you stripped us all down to our core, to the marrow within our marrow, in the vast expanse of our atoms, int he galaxies within our protons — we’d be explosions of light. Blinded by these colors of reality, we can’t see past them to get to the soul of all that is, all that was, all that remains to be. We’re all tendrils of hope in open palms, and only we hold the light that can keep the darkness at bay. But yet, we stare at the world and can’t get past the surface to see what it truly is: teeming, breathing, pulsing.
Believe me when I tell you that there’s more to this world than what meets the eye — that if you stare long enough into the eye of a rose, you’ll see the blood of its petals bleed int our veins. Believe me when I tell you that the beauty that you so wish you can witness surrounds you, engulfs you, is you. Let me hold your writhing soul in my palms so I can kiss those lights, so blindingly beautiful, and strip away your shadow of flesh. Let me show you where your wings have been clipped, how your chest is bursting with wildflowers, how your breath is the sigh of god. Let me read you the stories of our lives in these petals.
🙂 thanks…it is mostly in my head…except for the weight gain! That’s definitely not in my head! I decided tonight that I’ll write the story of me…if not for any reason other than the hope that it will lighten the burden of the realities that I hold inside that have yet to be shared with anyone around me.
Time will tell…the ghosts of lifetimes past never quite leave. They just saunter around in the shadows waiting for a moment of weakness or a lull in your spirits, before they surge straight through you, leaving you bewildered, without any trace of their presence, except the hints of remorse, regret, hope and most often, disbelief. Disbelief at how sincere naivety could be ridiculed as stupidity because I lacked the faculties to be suspicious. Bah!
The greatest challenge has never been about moving forward. That’s easy. The difficulty lies in trusting that others will receive your efforts positively so that you can realise those goals that will provide the much needed comfort and companionship. But when most are inclined to judge without knowledge, the most noble of endeavours, or even the greatest of achievements fade into a heap of social worthlessness that threatens to disembowel you had it not been for the fact that such social appraisals are inconsequential to your sanity.
But sanity isn’t much to celebrate at times when it’s not able to be shared. And this is turning out to be far too morbid, so it’s time for me to shut it. 🙂
I’ve realised recently that I’ve been distracted. These distractions have worn me down to a point of almost total lethargy and painful effort to do almost anything constructive. I’ve succumbed to the same self-defeating tendencies that I’ve always encouraged others to simply snap out of. Worse still is that I realise that this is what I’m doing, yet I lack any significant motivation to change it.
I’ve put on weight to the point where my clothes are uncomfortable and my body aches from the awkwardness of being out of proportion. Compensating for the shift in my centre of gravity is causing my back to ache leaving me feeling as if I should be preparing for old age. Death has been a constant thread in my thought patterns, but not morbidly so. Just the realisation of how much will continue regardless of my absence, and who would be left abandoned in some way or another as a result of my untimely departure.
None of this is outwardly visible of course, with the exception of the obvious weight gain. The headaches are more frequent, the joints almost groan involuntarily and my fingers ache. They actually ache as if they’re under constant strain or as if I’ve jammed them into a door. All of these aches and pain remind me that I’m suppressing my true nature because I’ve grown too weary and jaded to venture into another battlefield not knowing how I’ll fare.
I’ve been seriously contemplating writing that novel, or at least starting with a short story titled The Story of Me. The more I think of it the more I realise how much there is to write about. There isn’t time to finish these thoughts. There’s rarely time to finish anything these days. But somehow I’ve managed to hold it all together and be productive at the same time. But very little of it has been a true joy. Although I refuse to make it feel like a total burden either.
I recently planned a weekend away to one of the most beautiful parts of the country, but cancelled at the last minute because I didn’t have the energy to make the 5 hour drive to get there. This from a man that used to drive 16 hours straight with only fuel stops and accompanied by nothing but his own thoughts and a simple appreciation for the beautiful landscapes on the journey.
I’ve grown old without realising it. I feel like I’m 90, battle fatigued, and waiting for peace.
A man went to Ibn ‘Abbas radiAllaahu ‘anhu and said, “O Ibn ‘Abbas, I want to enjoin people to do good and forbid them from doing evil.” Ibn ‘Abbas said, “And have you reached that level?” He said, “I hope that that is so.” He said, “If you do not fear to be exposed by three verses of Allah’s Book, then do so.” The man asked, “And what are they?” He mentioned this verse:
Enjoin you Al-Birr (piety and righteousness and each and every act of obedience to Allâh) on the people and you forget (to practise it) yourselves.” (Baqarah 2:44)
And then asked, “Have you applied the implications of this verse?” He said, “No.” Ibn ‘Abbas then mentioned the second verse:
O you who believe! Why do you say that which you do not do? Most hateful it is with Allâh that you say that which you do not do. (As-Saff 61:2-3)
After that he asked, “Have you applied the implications of this verse?” He said, “No.” He then mentioned the third verse regarding Shu’aib alayhi salaam:
“I wish not, in contradiction to you, to do that which I forbid you.” (Hud 11:88)
And then he asked, “Have you applied the implications of this verse? He said, “No.” Ibn ‘Abbas said, “Then begin with yourself.”