One of the things I enjoy the most is seeing the way each and every one of us, myself included, progresses and “changes” over time, especially as we influence each other. Quite a fascinating look into the human psyche/soul!
🙂 fascinating indeed…but bitter-sweet as well because somehow I always find that I have a lingering thought about how great it would be to share all this with significant others in real life, but very quickly I realise that they simply don’t get this side of me… 🙁
[Virtually You: The Dangers of E-Personality by Elias Aboujaoude] the attention grabbin whore you talk about apparently leads one to narcissism, impulsivity, aggression / You’re a natural psychologist, lol.
In many cases, but definitely not all, Tumblr gives me a view into what really rests within a person’s heart without distracting me with societal prejudices. I’ve often been pleasantly surprised to read the thoughts and passions expressed by bloggers, forming a mental image of them, and then stumbling across a photo in their archives that reveals how stereotypical my assessment of them really was. Not negatively so. Just a few innocently incorrect assumptions.
Some people tend to use their Tumblr blogs to form an alternate reality for themselves, while others use it to expose a side that they’d dare not expose to anyone in real life. Yet others seem to use it to engage in a way that would otherwise not be possible because a lot of what is shared and discussed on Tumblr would probably raise more than just a curious eyebrow in real life. I think I fall largely in this group.
There is pretty much no one in real life that I can engage with about a lot of what I share on my blog without them thinking me to be strange, superficial, pretentious, or worse. But my true joy in blogging was realised when I finally accepted that seeking affirmation for every post I wrote was not what I wanted from this. That was the most liberating realisation for me because up to that point, I realised that Tumblr was turning me into an attention whore. So more recently, my blog has become a more true reflection of me, rather than what I want others to perceive of me.
You know I love you. I love you so much. You’re the only source of hope and positivity in my life. Allah, I have learned so much about islam and You and myself because of this incredible pain that you’ve laid on my shoulders to test me. I used to feel angry at reading about how I’m supposed to be thankful for the tests you give me because I thought that they were too much. But then I saw what You mean. I saw how differently and how much more clearly I can see and appreciate my blessings after having gone through this agonizing pain. And so yes, I am thankful for having gone through it and I am honored that you think highly enough of me to test me with this incredible burden.
But Allah.. Please, take it away now. I cannot handle this burden anymore. I do not want to spend my days hoping to be able to cry because my agony is so deep that I can’t even do that anymore. I don’t want my “good days” to be so empty anymore.
I know, my Lord, that this life is temporary and fleeting and the End is what matters. I also know that my pain is nothing compared to what millions of others go/have gone through.. nothing compared to the struggles of the blessed Prophets. But I am weak, my Lord. I promise, I will try to make you proud. I know you know how hard I struggle with various things each day. Of course you know, you are the All-Knowing one.
But Allah, I need your blessings now. My Lord, I am honored to be a bearer of your tests but my strength is failing now. Please lift the burdens before I break. Please offer me some relief. Please ease the agonies of my soul. Please free me of my afflictions. Please, Lord, grant me some comfort.
I ask for your forgiveness for being so weak. And I hope that you will shower me with your Great Mercy, ya Ar-Rahman, even though I may not deserve it.
O one who loves me more than 70 mothers would, my Lord, dry my tears now. Heal my soul. Cure my illnesses. Ease my bodily pains. Ease my mental afflictions. Ease the aching of my shredded heart. Help me fill the holes inside. Grant me comfort. Because only You can. Ameen.